Being One in God

Our Lord addresses many issues in His word concerning intimate relationships between men and women. He knew we’d have challenges living with each other. Everyone does, regardless of culture, beliefs, or even gender. We are created in His image and likeness, male and female, and we are made one in Christ Jesus. We all are created to desire being loved. God knows this and He made us this way!

Without wisdom, many confuse love with sexual attraction but there is so much more to the quality of love that God intends for couples. God is a great Counselor during difficult times. We may cry out, “But Lord, it’s so hard. S/he is not doing what You said…”. Well, yes. Who told you it would not be hard on our flesh to do what God asks of us, to be willing to do His will, in His way and in His time? When God calls two to become one in Him, the joining process takes time, determination, and commitment.

Family life is so important that people create families around them when they do not have their own. With the great variety of families today, the two-parent family is no longer the majority. There are thousands of single parents, often not of their own choosing. Both fathers and mothers find themselves raising children alone, for various reasons, while having to work to meet family needs. Many families are unable to provide for their family needs if only one parent is working.

Some of us have callings, gifts differing that lead us to work as a career. Others are able to have one parent devote their work to raising of children. Some speak critically out of disrespect, judgment or envy when they do not recognize the Lord’s calling on another, male or female. We can choose to be empathic rather than critical with others whose partnerships and callings differ from our own. God is not a cookie cutter God who has created us all to travel the same path.

No one has the ideal family, and God has it all covered! Why is it that when we observe the differing paths that others take, it seems to threaten our own choices? We judge by outward appearance and hold up one standard of how things should be with women and men. But not everyone has the same array of choices due to income and opportunities. Many women who must work have hearts that yearn to be with their children rather than at work, grieving lost opportunities while their children are growing up. The exhaustion from work and other home responsibilities also robs their time off with their children.

Professional women called to careers have similar challenges. Finding a balance in work and home is difficult for those in ministry as well. How is it we think we know what others should do when we do not know their circumstances nor how God is dealing with them in their lives? God desires us to treat others as we would like to be treated, whether it is returned or not. We need not criticize and judge others who serve the same God though their paths differ from ours. God takes care of it all.

When the stereotype is about the emotional, irrational, incompetent female, it does grave injustice to all the competent highly skilled women, at work and in the home, who are called to differing paths of leadership based on the gifts God has granted them. Husbands may appear to fare better in such gender prejudices but that is also untrue. When the stereotype is about the sloppy, forgetful and clueless husband of many a family sitcom, it does not fit with husbands who develop patience and tolerance by being more organized, neat, practical, and efficient in the home than their wives are.

In the 50’s it was “Father Knows Best,” but after that, society, as represented by entertainment and social media, completely flipped. Men have been portrayed as clueless, incompetent, and lacking familial wisdom that their wives display. There’s no true wisdom or balance in society and the tendency to overcorrect extremes is evident. Let us recall that all are made in the image of God:

“This is the book of the generations of Adam. On the day that God created man, He made him in His own likeness. Male and female He created them, and He blessed them. And in the day they were created, He called them ‘man’. Genesis 5:2 Berean

We were first created in the same body, united as one being called man, in the likeness of God Himself. When God saw that Adam was lonely, He separated His creation into male and female bodies, making womb-man or woman. You can count on Adam especially delighting in how Eve was different. He needed a helpmeet, the foundational purpose of marriage. We all need companionship and help and God prepared for that.

God is the Master Joiner, the best one to choose whom we will love and create a home to be with and enjoy life together. Our own hearts can be most deceitful when doing our own choosing. When we ask our heavenly Father to choose our spouse, waiting upon Him to do it, our marital prospects for a blessed future increase. It also helps if others are praying for wise choices to be made when the time comes.

There will be challenges and issues, of course and some meant-to-be Christian relationships will also fail in this life. Not every partner or couple is enabled to stay the course, but when God puts two together, this is the lasting relationship that ideally is never to be severed. Even when God does the joining by His choice for us, sustaining our union together, we still have moments of bafflement or discord, finding ourselves reminding God that this person was His idea for us!

“…and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”…Mark 10:8-9 Berean

The Concordant Literal New Testament puts it this way:

“‘…and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Mark 10:89 Concordant Literal

Here is the foundation: God intends to put us together. Some people in relationships were not put together by God. They did not ask God nor follow the leading of the holy spirit in their choices. Their intimate relationships are not based upon God’s joining by the spirit but by their own ideas and desires. Other factors were more important in drawing them together. We are directed not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, but two Christians can also be unequally yoked.

Just because a married couple sits beside each other in church does not mean they are equally yoked in God. There are couples where one is a nominal Christian who attends church occasionally out of duty, to please their spouse, or for social or business purposes without heart or hunger for spiritual things. Their spouse, meanwhile, is passionately in love with the Lord, totally committed to His ways, and essentially walking alone in their commitment to God. Is this not unequally yoked?

Was God leading this marital choice or was there an assumption that because both are Christians, it must be His idea and plan? This is a critical life decision. When we deeply love another who is not God’s choice, it is so very difficult. “Whom God has joined together, let not man put asunder,” (Matthew 19:6) underscores that it is God’s job to join us together in Him. These are the relationships that are sustained and should be, between Christians in marriage.

Other relationships reveal the lack of shared spiritual foundation, lasting for a time or a season before God causes one or the other to change direction or just fade away. In these matters, God is more merciful than Christians who make divore into the worst sin, shameful and disqualifying to any believer to whom divorce happens. Jesus said it is not ideal but stated that it keeps happening due to the hardness of our hearts.

Others outside the relationship may not know whose heart was hardened, whose actions led to divorce. God may even release some from the marriage vows when there is gross infidelity, violence, or active opposition to the spiritual life of the Christina spouse.When our hearts are soft, teachable within, the person in some marriages who ends up in a prison house may hear God’s directive to leave.

As the scripture also states, He releases us from unbelieving partners if she or he leaves. God forgives us our errors, including marriages made in foolishness, youth, or other unwise reasons not ordained by God. But some Christians seem more ready to forgive a murderer than a divorced person!

”But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.” 1 Corinthians 7:15 KJV

What wounds we add to others when we think we know what someone else should do and how they have missed God according to our rules! We also do not know His long-term purpose for a currently troubled marital situation, where some prescribe divorce as the answer and others insist that Christians should always stay, no matter abuse or neglect that is occurring.

What is God’s will in the matter? He may turn these things for good, for future change when we stay. He may free others from marital bonds that hinder or restrict God’s path for that person. We assume we know, judging those who end up divorced but we can’t know the heart of either by outward appearance despite the inevitable gossip and speculations that arise. We do not know what occurred in the intimate relationship that failed to last.

We know so little about our Christian friends and neighbors within their own households. How can we really know what led a devout Christian to separate or divorce? Out of respect for their former spouse and protection of their children, some do not speak of the issues that led to the divorce. The spouse who was innocent of the cause of divorce may be blamed by those who do not know, but think they do. This ex-partner may be covering their ex-partner’s sin rather than exposing for all to see, causing further harm, particularly to the children.

Unless God reveals the core of the matter to us for purposes of intercession, we need to guard our tongues from uninformed opinions. No Christian plans to marry with divorce in mind. Judgment from Christian brothers and sisters only adds to their loss and grief as they go through becoming divorced. It is His business to put together and take apart, each in His planned season. This is another law vs. heart matter where the divorcing Christian chooses not to share the painful or shameful reasons that led to this decision regardless of the judgment that may come.

Some couples who divorce were not put together by God in the first place. It’s truth, though resisted by those who insist that Christians should follow the law of never divorcing. Many who end up divorced were young in either age or faith, not serving or being led by God at that time. Hardness of heart covers many painful, harmful circumstances and behaviors, betrayals occurring with difficulties that seem unsurmountable as peace and love is destroyed in the home.

Children do suffer in divorce, but many also suffer from unhappy, even violent relationships between their parents. Who are we, really, to decide from the outside what another is directed to do by God? There is nothing we do that is beyond the love and forgiveness of God, including marrying outside of His will or divorcing when it seems impossible to reconcile. The Lord has an eternal vision that is more important than the law or Christian rules.

When we are led by the spirit, that higher law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus, God, in His mercy, ends some relationships that are harmful or never should have happened. Alternately, God is surely able to sustain the obedient, believing partner while He does His work on the other. Nothing is impossible with God, but change happens more rapidly with two willing hearts to address problems. But submission to the Lord can hold one in place while the other’s heart is changed, though it may take years.

God knows all hearts, which relationships have a good foundation or not, what situations and partners will change. God also grants patience and love to those Christians in relationships where change is so very long in coming. Then we must recall that all things work together for our good when we love the Lord and are called according to His purposes.

There are times when God releases a believer from a painful or even dead marital union in order to fulfill His future calling and purpose in their lives. In His mercy, God forgives wrong choices in marriage, as He does other choices from our past.

“So any person who knows what is right to do but does not do it, to him it is sin. ... Therefore sin is still in the one that knows to do good and does not do it.” James 4:17 NIV

It is sin when God says not to be married to someone yet we proceed to do so. When we do not know God’s way, when we choose wrongly due to immaturity, impatience, surface attraction, or other factors, and the relationship cannot be sustained, that person did not know to do good. God is always able to do repair work. He is not caught by surprise by our choices in life. God can change any heart!

But it’s better to be obedient first than risk the potential sacrifices later should that change never happen. Fortunately, some choices we thought were our own turn out to be God’s hand in our lives, whether we knew that at the time or not. God always has His hand on people, some of whom have no clue He is there! Many have faithful intercessors, including parents and grandparents, who have been asking God to make this most critical choice for their loved ones who are seeking a spouse.

God does answer prayer for this choice and for any challenges that follow it. Loving intercessors also are a wonderful support for any couple going through troubled times. And when fellowships judge someone who is divorced as unworthy of serving God among them, it adds further wounds. These are all fleshly ideas coming from the world, not the Lord.

So what is the answer? Being equally yoked by God’s spirit is God’s best, His ideal for marriages. When God chooses the partner, we are yoked together in Him with His best choice for us. Not the perfect person, but the perfect person for us! God’s perfect person has the key qualities we need in a helpmeet to walk together with Him in this life. Our joining in Him keeps us tethered when the union is strained—that three-fold cord is not easily broken.

That does not mean the qualities we need to balance us out in this life are always appreciated! Sometimes these are the very qualities that rub us the wrong way as we live together, until God changes our viewpoint to think and consider like He does.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8 ESV

Some Christians find it easier to focus on what is excellent and worthy of praise than others, but if God said it, we can all do it. Setting our will to focus on these qualities more than the fault or lack in our spouses enhances our love and appreciation of each other. Praying and thanking God over a list of good qualities when it’s become difficult to appreciate the spouse changes our viewpoint to what is good, the strengths our partner brings.

These are often the flip side of some of the qualities that occasionally annoy us. Is our partner sensitive or too emotional? Structured or controlling? Spontaneous or unreliable? Laid back or lazy? Same traits or characteristics, but the first is a positive way to understand that particular quality and appreciate it in our lives. Consider how we benefit from these differences to make us a stronger union. A laid-back (not lazy) partner is good for one that is passionate (not driven). The practical, common-sense partner balances out the imaginative dreamer.

God help us change our viewpoints! God is in charge of the destiny of His creation, who is the right one for us, choosing more varied paths for people than we realize. Our uniqueness is a beautiful thing, showing forth God’s creative genius. God’s best for His own precious sons and daughters in lasting relationships is to be put together, joined, united by God. Many of us pray for years that God will make us one as He promises is possible, and yes, at some times we pray more passionately than others!

Some differences between couples are more difficult to bear than others. These are the areas that require negotiation, compromise, and acceptance as we draw upon God’s love and wisdom in the relationship. God teaches what is hard-wired in our patterns and what is able to change through God’s intervention. God can change anything, but His work may be in accepting what is rather than praying or striving for change.

In fact, this is the very wisdom of the Serenity Prayer! Change what we can (ourselves), accept what we cannot change (others) and have the wisdom to know the difference (God). God is more than able to let us know what is a permanent aspect of our spouse’s nature—and it is likely the part that will cause the most spiritual growth for us over time. Over time, we come to appreciate the very qualities that formerly irritated us. After all, pearls are formed from irritants!

What rarely works is setting out to change our partner ourselves, rather than allowing the holy spirit to do so. Most of us are willing to change but rarely does anyone appreciate someone trying to make them do so! Instead, God refines us, our fleshly ways, and our ability to grant forgiveness and mercy when that spouse of ours is being difficult. We learn to cover our spouses in love, not rehearsing faults to ourselves, reporting them to others or even to mentioning them at all.

What a discipine that is! We learn to guard against words that cause division, generating lasting conflict, along with bitterness so apparent in many marriages. We also use our good sense of humor from Father God to ease the friction that may arise. Our life partners are a blessing as well as an instrument of spiritual growth. God is very efficient in bringing an end to our fleshly ways, using our most intimate partner in life to refine and change us:

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17 Berean

While this is not specific to marriage, it certainly applies! We do get sharpened and refined, as we live with our spouses and rub against each other. Yes, there is friction, but when submitted to God, rather than getting out our own knives to carve away at the other’s flesh, the inner qualities of God seen in our marital union grows. Some of our spouses might even say that living with us has definitely made them more godly!

Agape love brings the oil of forgiveness and peace, making things go more smoothly. God’s words to husbands and wives, which we are exploring here, are the foundation of marital life for Christians, but generalizations about what a marriage should be that are not based upon God’s design are just human opinions. There are many patterns of happy marital unions in God’s kingdom, some of which would not appeal to everyone, but the Lord as the foundation makes it work.

Some unions start out more compatible, while others less so. Part of marital growth and compatibility is learning to blend what each partner brings rather than insisting that our partner be more like “us…our parent…society’s ideal…our friend or neighbor’s spouse.. images in society…whoever.” It is impossible to talk about everything beforehand that arises in living together. Marriage equals growth, but some are surprised that growth is required along with love and acceptance.

Each spouse has some things we bring into relationships that we believe to be the right way to do things, big and small. Often we don’t even realize we have these assumptions going on underneath until they show up as conflict. There are jokes about the small things like how the toothpaste tube is to be squeezed or other habits as well as those larger issues such as patterns of communication, who does what work needed for home and family, expectations around celebrations and holidays, expressions of love and affection, and many many other important relationship areas.

When unexplored shoulds are applied in a Christian marriage, these do damage. Whether they come from others or show up in marriages because of learned spousal or gender roles, they divide, weaken and conquer in resentment and anger rather than unite and connect in love. God’s wisdom and understanding is available to guide and direct us to live in increasing compatibility, accepting each other’s differences as gifts rather than irritants.

We learn through God to enjoy and appreciate each other and the incredible richness of human life together. We surely cannot rely on man’s wisdom or advice, even when some say it is just common sense. Common sense says “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” while also saying “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Neither is absolute or godly wisdom. God’s wisdom is the only thing we can count on. Being led by the holy spirit is the path to contentment and joy.

Our Lord created us for relationships, intending that we would enjoy our relationship with Him and with each other. The spouse who is able to love their partner and enjoy being with them more than with any other has been given a great gift, indeed! God is love, and He is the expert on marital love as well as every other kind of love required to grow up into in Him. He has all our differences in background, childhood, values, habits, family traditions, and beliefs covered.

God knows the needs, the lack that our partner has when our needs are not met. We need not allow our focus to be pulled to those differences and away from God. It’s human nature to focus on what’s wrong more than what’s right, but we are not of the flesh, but of the spirit with Christ dwelling within. As someone said, we learn to focus on what is strong, not what is wrong. Unfortunately, humans seem addicted to bad news and that’s what the media sells. Though there are the occasional feel-good stories included these days, it’s not typically the good news that makes the headlines.

What sells the news in any format is the bad news. People seem to enjoy, even be drawn to a bad report. But this is not God’s way:

“But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peace-loving, gentle, accommodating, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap the fruit of righteousness.” James 3:17-18 Berean

His wisdom applied in marriages is at first pure. Pure wisdom is without guile, selfish motives, or intent to manipulate. That takes a mature Christian! There is no hidden intent or game-playing behavior found in honest hearts seeking to be joined in Him. His wisdom growing within us always has the heart intent of peace, being gentle and accommodating. We are not to be peacemakers in the world alone, but peacemakers created by God to live with our spouses in unity.

God, who knows our partners best, grows our understanding so we may live together in the precious companionship of kingdom love, joy, and peace. These qualities of the kingdom of God are nurtured and grow within us in our marriages. When God chooses to put together partners whose personalities and habits are similar, understanding may evolve more easily over time. Such couples are best friends right away, often with fewer conflicts than when God puts opposites together.

God knows who we need, whether it is someone much like ourselves or more in the opposites attract category of relationships. God even has us covered when we did not surrender to His choosing in a life partner. Whether God is in charge of a couple’s choices or not, there are times when lack of understanding brings discord, overwhelming one or the other spouse. That’s why it’s recommended for Christians to share a faith in God.

The Holy Spirit is the tie that binds, our strongest commonality in union with another:

“And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12 KJV

The Concordant Literal provides a more clear visual picture of God’s plan for unity, particularly in expanding this passage:

“Two are better than one because there is better reward for them in their toil. For, if they fall, one can raise up his partner; But woe to him when there is no second person to raise him up.

Also, if two lie together, it is warm for them, yet for one, how can he keep warm? And if somebody can overpower him who is single, then two can stand firm in front of him who attacks.

A threefold thread cannot quickly be pulled apart.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Concordant Literal

A literal three-fold cord isn’t easy to pull apart—try it! For Christians united in marriage by God, our three-fold thread is made of each partner and Jesus Christ. God has compassion for those who do not have someone to raise them up and keep them warm, to stand firm with them when under attack. But is this not an awesome description of a godly partnership? When God puts two people together as His choice for both, this union cannot be quickly pulled apart, divided to emotional or physical separation despite what comes.

These man-woman-Jesus Christ unions are those that God Himself has put together. It is like gold to find the one God has prepared for you, regardless of what either of you have gone through before. It doesn’t even matter what you think specifically brought the two of you together when the foundation is build by God. He is that sure foundation. We all need someone to lift us up and keep us warm, stand with us when we are under attack from the enemy of our souls.

God is the changer of hearts, He is the only unifier of flesh and blood into One in Him. Love is the strongest changer of hearts and He is love. We pray most sincerely to God that our spouse be changed more into His likeness and image, in accord with God’s principles of love and respect in marriages. Then the challenge becomes to leave it with Him! We can influence our partner by our behavior but the response is theirs and God’s.

Our focus must be on our own hearts, what God wants changed in us. There is no need to assign blame, which is quite different from responsibility. We are all responsible for our own actions and choices. Blame takes it further, judging the person, their character and intent as bad, accomplishing nothing to actually solve the issues present. Some of the reactions we get when trying to force our partner to be different are due to inept and even hurtful attitudes revealed in our behavior towards them.

Though our partners may actually want and desire to change, no one enjoys being controlled by angry, withdrawing or punitive behavior that attempts to force change. No one should impose their human ideas of what their spouse should be. As godly men and women, we seek to learn and apply what mutual submission in love means. God has the blueprint that will fit each one of us.

Paul says to submit to one another as unto the Lord. We learn to respond rather than react. Do we submit all of this to the Lord out of gladness and delight or out of fear of judgment and chastisement? It’s clear which God prefers. God is not satisfied with outward behaviors, an appearance of submitting to Him. He is after our hearts! God desires a full heart submission, with love and awe for our Maker and, as a result, for each other.

Submission in Christian relationships is challenging to even bring up as it has been so misused by both men and women. But there is wisdom to be gleaned with a spiritual understanding of God’s meaning. Peter spoke to Christian wives to submit themselves, just as He directed husbands to love their wives. This is between the heart of the individual and God to work within. Nowhere does it state that husbands are to make them do so, nor that wives are to demand their husbands to love them.

Nowhere does it say that every man is to force every woman in fellowship or elsewhere to obey males in general. The higher principle is love, with the standard of mutual submission to one another done in the heart that desires to love as Go loves. Read it again. It does not say what the carnal mind of humans has added into these passages. The husband is not to demand the wife submit, but to wait on the Lord for God to work this in her heart. The wife is not to complain or manipulate the husband to demand that love be given.

These heart matters are for the holy spirit to work out. When it is a law, it brings a curse. After all this male headship is a part of the curse. Where there is no more curse, there is no male or female in Christ Jesus. Those who take this attitude, male or female, are assuming a distinctly different attitude than Jesus did. Jesus spoke and demonstrated far more about serving each other in love than dominating another because of one’s gender.

When we serve each other in love, what we do outwardly may look the same, but the thought and intent of the heart is to bless and please the one we love. If I love to wait on my husband at times though he does not demand it or if my husband loves to treat me like a queen though I do not expect it, is this not honoring to the Lord? It’s our business, not a law someone else and their expectations puts on us to rob us of our spiritual freedom.

Gifts are freely given, and love makes no demands. God does not demand love, He freely gives it. He draws us to love Him, but He does not demand it. Love is not earned, nor should it be doled out as a reward for good behavior. That’s the law and it creates death. Our submission is first to God, our Lord and Master. Is it God’s way for husbands to demand that their wives submit instead of leaving this heart work to God? Is it the Lord who is causing wives to shame and blame their husbands for their lack of love?

God could demand that we all love and submit to Him, but He did not. He loves the heart that loves Him willingly and draws us all through His nature of love. There are limits and God surely has discipline for us, but the motive is always for our good. Would God have us use any scripture to justify or excuse wanting one’s own way at the expense of another? Is our Lord pleased when we use His word as a weapon of control, to expect to be be waited on and served, to demand having things our way?

This is selfishness and pride, not God’s character at all. Jesus Christ came to serve and we are to serve each other in marriage. There is no one pattern because there are differing challenges. Flesh makes laws about things that only God can accomplish within us. Each partner may have strengths in dealing with aspects of marital and family life that complement their partner who is not strong or gifted in that area. These may sharply differ from the division of roles and responsibiilities we grew up witnessing with our parents.

We are different, times change, and so do marriages. Some women are married to unbelieving husbands, bringing particular issues to the marriage. It can be difficult for unbelieving husbands to accept their wives’ love and time for the Lord more than for them. It is also challenging for the believing wife to refrain from pushing God on to their unbelieving husbands. An amusing cartoon entitled “Joe felt led to go to church,” shows a picture of Joe being dragged there by his wife. We laugh partly because it may hit near the truth!

“ Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.

For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves. Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.

Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God.

But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in His steps.” 1 Peter 2:13-22 NIV

Peter addresses all the ways we can demonstrate love, honor, and submission to the Lord, becoming like Him and bringing His grace into every situation. He states that we’re all required to submit to others, including those over us in authority, regardless of how they are handling themselves. We may suffer unjustly and unfairly, as Jesus did, and God honors that. Our commitment is to pleasing the Lord, not other people.

Wives and husbands may do “it”—this submission that demonstrates the character of the Lord—in differing ways according to each one’s needs. In other words, every believer is required to learn submission to others, not for their sake or position in marriage, but as unto the Lord. And He rewards us with more of His character for His glory. We are all to to bless and serve one another, each of us in our calling in order to enjoy our blessings.

The roadmap of the submit/love balance needs to be understood by the spirit, applied in a far different way than the history of its misuse in religion. Women have and continue to suffer disrespect and abuse in religious circles. Some blame all women for Eve’s deception, for causing sexual immorality, considering women less than, even viewed as servants to men. How can this possibly fit with the heart of God, Who is love and mercy, truth and justice?

Clearly such attitudes are motivated by self rather than love, stemming from fear and lack of trust, not godly love. There’s a balance here, with Paul talking about husbands loving their wives immediately following this directive to wives to submit themselves. It’s easy to submit ourselves to someone who loves and understands us, who is laying down their lives for us as Christ did for the church.

It is not God’s character that insists gender and marital roles be a certain way to be Christian. When husbands try to make their wives submit, particularly through anger and control, it works no better than wives who try to make their husbands love them. Paul also speaks to children submitting to parents and slaves to their masters, fathers to children. The key is God’s emphasis on the attitude of the heart:

“...not in the way of eye-service [working only when someone is watching you and only] to please men, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart; rendering service with goodwill, as to the Lord, and not [only] to men,” Ephesians 6:6-7 Amplified

The word to fathers and masters speaks clearly about the kind of authority God would have coming from the heart:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them], but bring them up [tenderly, with lovingkindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord…

You masters, do the same [showing goodwill] toward them, and give up threatening and abusive words, knowing that [He who is] both their true Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with Him [regardless of one’s earthly status].” Ephesians 6:4;9 Amplified

Oh, that we could heed this guidance in family relationships, to treat children with tenderness and loving kindness, instead of as masters to slaves, recognizing the limits of their development and wisdom. Husbands and wives model godly behavior—or not—to their children. Without submitting all to God the Father through Jesus Christ and His sacrifice, generational patterns repeat the same harm and wounds.

When surrendered to the Lord, however, all of this is training and preparation in serving the Lord from a heart of submission in love, as clearly stated in the following verses:

“In conclusion, be strong in the Lord [draw your strength from Him and be empowered through your union with Him] and in the power of His [boundless] might.

Put on the full armor of God [for His precepts are like the splendid armor of a heavily-armed soldier], so that you may be able to [successfully] stand up against all the schemes and the strategies and the deceits of the devil.” Ephesians 6:10-11 Amplified

Put on all the armor of God to fight our true enemy, which is not other human beings, but the strongholds of lies, deception, and selfishness that live in the hearts of people. Our enemy, including those things in our spouses, is not flesh and blood, but powerful strongholds in the spiritual realm, working against, dividing, and, yes, testing us in the crucible of intimate family relationships.

Satan loves to divide and stir up strife, using deception to cloud the love we are to have for each other. In a related passage in Colossians 3, Paul emphasizes again:

“…Whatever you do [whatever your task may be], work from the soul [heart] [that is, put in your very best effort], as [something done] for the Lord and not for men, knowing [with all certainty] that it is from the Lord [not from men] that you will receive the inheritance which is your [greatest] reward. ” Colossians 3:232-24, Amplified

Yes, everything works for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Allowing God to choose our partner is a great advantage. He knows exactly what each of us need and how to make us one. The best foundation is to be joined spiritually, having similar beliefs and looking to God to refine both our faith and our walk in Him. That does not mean the path will be easy, but being unequally yoked has its own pain and challenges.

In a conversation with a Christian woman years ago, she revealed she was about to get divorced for the third time. She was heartbroken, shamed, guilty, and discouraged, blaming herself and also wondering why God was allowing it to happen again. It was a revelation to her, as a Christian, that she could, and actually needed to ask God to choose her husband! She hadn’t even realized this was God’s heart’s desire to do for her, His beloved daughter. Such an important decision, and yet the God she clearly loved was not at the center of it.

God knows the path of life for each one of us. When God does the choosing, it may come as a surprise that He does not rely on the other person calling themselves Christian. God chooses some who do not know the Lord for His beloved believers’ spouses. There are couples whom God has truly put together, while at the moment, one is not a committed believer. God knows when a heart is prepared to receive Him and will work it out.

Here’s an example from my own heritage. I was blessed to be raised in a Christian home. My parents were married for 56 years, with my father having been a believer since age 11 when he went with his parents to a tent meeting. He and his parents remained faithful servants of God, attending church from that time on, continuing in honor and devotion to God throughout their lives.

When my father was a young man of 25 attending a local youth group, God spoke to him about my mother, also in attendance at that youth group. My mother attended the church where the youth group was being held, so she had a nominal faith and was raised by a believing mother. God said to my Dad, “She’s the one.” Then my father waited on God for a year or more to be certain.

We didn’t know until a few years after my mother died that my father had been so directed in his youth to marry my mother. It’s amazing that this occurred as my quiet, reserved father did not share other examples of being spoken to by God. We were raised under my father’s faith and godly patterns, a steadfast and gentle man walking in what he knew, attending church regularly, reading the bible, teaching godly principles through bible stories at home, obedient to what God expected of him.

God honored that by giving my mother to him. Outwardly seeming to be Christian, my mother actually did not have a personal relationship with God, though she followed my father’s leadership by raising us in a Christian home. Because of my father’s godly leadership and with my mother’s full participation, we always went to church, prayed at meals, and learned about the Bible, observing my parents living with godly values.

My siblings and I all cherish the memory of my father reading Bible stories to us every night after supper on the farm. It is an incredible gift to have a godly gentle father who exhibits the character traits and values of the Lord. For that reason, I did not realize growing up that my mother was outwardly conforming but really did not know the Lord. I also did not understand how much my quiet, gentle father’s faith was the foundation of our Christian upbringing.

My father never spoke of my mother as an unbeliever, though he waited quietly many years until my mother came to know Jesus Christ personally. She eventually got captured by the Lord during the charismatic movement in the 1970’s and began to change by the spirit as she now had a personal relationship with the Christ within. In fact, she changed so much that we adult children noticed it and it influenced us as well!

My parents’ shared values united them through the years, but it was my mother who later went further spiritually, hungering for God, eventually experiencing the baptism of the spirit like her mother had. After my mother was converted, she shared many examples with others of being led of the Lord. Mom was known for her love and wise counsel, her nonjudgmental acceptance of those around her. Many many prayers were said for us, her children, including praying for our spouses.

I thank God for the Christian upbringing we all were given and follow to this day. What a blessing that no one told Dad not to marry Mom because of their differing spiritual commitment. My father was given the incredible gift by God of being told my mother was the one God had chosen from him. He knew she was chosen just for him and faithfully loved her through her life. Their marriage was not perfect, but it surely grew and changed when Mom had her visitation from God!

Only what God says will result in the resolution we seek. Peace is not truly peace when it is demanded of a spouse, enforced by fear or control. God’s love makes no demands, as He gave us free will to follow or not. We are on a path to be more and more like our Lord Jesus Christ, whom God sent as His perfect example. He is always with us and faithful to grant wisdom about being united in God to God’s choice for us.

The Lord will grant this to anyone who asks it of Him. He is inside of us, in spirit, and we can reach out for godly counsel at all times and in all things. We are His.

He alone is able to unite us in Him, to make us one in God.

“God intended that they would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us. For in Him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are His offspring.’” Acts 17:27-28 Berean