The Process of Forgiveness

“Justice and judgment are the habitation of thy throne: mercy and truth shall go before thy face.” Psalms 89:14 NKJV

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith. These you ought to have done, without leaving the others undone.” Matthew 23:23 NKJV

So much in life necessitates the ability to forgive and move on. If you desire peace in your heart, you must keep your heart free of hurt and resentment, anger, and bitterness. And yet, it can be so very difficult. Adding to the challenge of forgiveness is much misunderstanding of what forgiveness truly is. It is much more than merely saying,“I’m sorry.”

God will teach us about forgiving when we are willing, as we learn to walk intimately with Him. God is our example, and His compassion never fails. His judgments are always right, providing perfect justice and perfect mercy. He is the Perfect Father. We may know earthly fathers who fell short of our perfect Father, but if you were blessed with a godly, wise, and merciful earthly father, you may more easily connect and trust your Heavenly Father.

Others without a strong earthly example need to learn more of Father God’s nature of love and mercy to trust Him. Those who suffer because of their imperfect earthly fathers, whom they can see, are more greatly challenged in trusting an unseen heavenly Father. Our God is more than able to bring needed forgiveness, to restore wholeness to our hearts where there is parental lack, in any way He chooses.

God is the healer of hearts, the only One able to make everything right within. Wounds created by all of us imperfect parents and others in authority over us are brought to the Father for healing, for release from the past. All can be forgiven in Him: wounds from siblings, spouses, friends, teachers, neighbors, and many others who have significance in our lives, particularly in a child’s life.

Those of us with siblings might recall the bitterness of being punished and held accountable for a sibling’s behavior and choices. Some of us were unjustly accused of wrongdoing or held accountable for a younger sibling’s behavior because we are older or know better. Perhaps we were clearly not the favorite child, even rejected by one or both parents. Others are unfairly treated with mistrust because another sibling did things that led our caregivers to develop such attitudes.

How it can burn to be unfairly judged, mistreated, or restricted while innocent of wrongdoing! There are many long-held divisions and conflicts within families because of perceived past injustices in the eyes of those at the time. Family divisions may go on for years and years, until the present generation has no idea why one part of their family never associates with another part.

These situations involve our inability not only to forgive but to forget what others have done to us or those we love. But our God forgives and forgets. He said so:

“I, I alone, am the one who wipes out your wrongdoings for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins.” Isaiah 43:25 NASB

Many other scriptures reference this forgetfulness that God applies toward our past sins and failures. He never brings the past up to us, throwing our mistakes and shortcomings repeatedly at us, recalling or reminding us of our failure and shame. It’s our own hearts that condemn us or others, with thoughts in our minds:

“For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.” 1 John 3:20-21 KJV

Forgiveness is a subject about which we Christians should excel, given that the basis of our faith is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ for the express purpose of forgiveness for all. Instead, there is found resistance, denial, confusion, rationalization, a lack of application of God’s principles of forgiveness throughout Christian communities. Forgiveness is talked about, but the results of unforgiveness remain visible in and around many of God’s own.

Many Christians reveal by words and behavior that their type of forgiveness is not godly. God’s forgiveness is misunderstood, misapplied, and neither present nor practiced in their lives, leaving them in turmoil within and without. Forgiveness is not mere words. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time decision. It requires deciding to forgive, of course, but that decision does not necessarily change the heart.

The critical first step is submitting our will to God’s standard, deciding to forgive by agreeing with God’s directive to do so. We should all know that God commands forgiveness, but what brings forgiveness about in our stubborn hearts? And what would God have us do when we are the ones needing forgiveness? Where do we start when this is God’s standard, but it does not come easy, nor is it yet written upon our hearts so we may obey it?

And what about when we, along with multitudes through the centuries, are asked to forgive the unforgivable? We marvel at the accounts of saints who have done just that, modeling themselves after Jesus Christ Who forgave His enemies from His cross of death. Multitudes have been martyred for the cause of Christ, resisting the imposition of church laws and traditions that alter the founding fathers’ message of faith only as the way. Multiple accounts record that they died asking God to forgive those who tortured and killed them.

Our enemies, like those who crucified our Lord, know not what they are doing, but Jesus knows. The enemies of our Lord were fulfilling scripture, completing the work of God. What they meant for evil, God turned for good. Jesus’ enemies thought to do evil and harm, but instead, they accomplished for God the greatest change in human history! J

Judas must have had some reason for betraying the Master he had long followed and obeyed, even though he had been used to deliver others in Jesus’ name. Judas was no novice, yet something evil began working in his heart to do as he did. Joseph’s life is another example of the evil his brothers did to him, working a greater plan in which Joseph saved them all through the later years of famine. In Romans, we are told:

“Love is not working evil to an associate. The complement, then, of law, is love.” Romans 13:10 CLV

Forgiveness is truly a gift from our faithful and loving Father God! There is really no substitute for God in situations requiring deep and costly forgiveness to heal and restore. We cannot successfully make ourselves forgive, nor can we make another forgive us by asking for or even demanding it. There is no human formula to clear the heart of anger and bitterness, resentment, and vengeful thoughts.

Forgiveness requires surrender to the Father. God says He will not try us beyond what we can bear, but multiple circumstances are unforgivable to the human heart. He has to make a way—and He does. We may arrive at some type of acceptance of what happened, but only God takes the burden of anger, hurt, and devastation from the heart. Determining in our hearts to obey God’s word about forgiveness is the essential first step.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 KJV

This is the beginning of wisdom, knowing that we need to align our will with God’s word and ways. God in Christ forgave us before we could do anything at all to earn or deserve it. Love is patient and kind, able to forgive without exception. After this first step, we may need to wait upon the Lord to work forgiveness in our souls so that our mind (thoughts), will (determination), and emotions (contrary to God’s loving mercy) align with God’s will.

He is thus able to write His forgiveness on our hearts as well as teach us about the process if we were not taught this well as children. Children do need to be taught to forgive and ask for forgiveness. Perhaps you were taught – or forced – to say “I’m sorry” by parents or caregivers. Many a child has been directed to sit knee to knee with their sibling until both are truly sorry—at least about having to sit there looking at each other!

As a child grows, however, they must learn how the Lord works to truly make their words sincerely and deeply felt in the heart. This is easy for some tenderhearted little ones, but others are made of strong, stubborn stuff and need more support and guidance in this process. Many can no longer receive the words “I’m sorry.” They have been used casually, sarcastically, in superiority, and any other of the myriad of insincere emotions the human heart may be expressing through these words.

“I’m sorry” has become just words for many, meaningless or even a mockery. Saying a meaningless sorry no longer resonates. The Lord of our lives requires more than that. We all need more than hollow words coming from an insincere heart. When these words are said to avoid the other’s anger or punishment, “I’m sorry” is neither given nor received in any depth.

As Christians, we are called to forgive without restriction, including whether the other person is truly sorry or not. God never told us to forgive only when the other person is truly sorry. Their hearts are their responsibility to God, not ours. And when we are the offenders, it’s much more powerful to do our part in making amends by saying, “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

We cannot make another do so, but we do learn to humble ourselves to ask for forgiveness and do what we can, if possible, to make amends. This teaches us, as the offender, to take responsibility for our behavior, foundational for any good relationship. We can do this regardless of whether we intended to offend or not. Such steps toward reconciling our differences are necessary for sustaining healthy relationships, within families especially.

This is a critical building block of blessed relationships. Asking for forgiveness leaves the repair and reconciliation to the other, the heart of the offended one. You can visualize yourself as the offender, saying sorry and asking for forgiveness as metaphorically extending your hand to the offended one. It is then up to the person who got offended to extend the hand back by granting a heart change of forgiveness as requested.

The offended one may also find their release from the hurt in acknowledging that they are willing to forgive. When we offend someone and offer amends like this, we are able to have peace, regardless of the human response we receive. It is an incredible gift when we do what God requires and are freed of further distress or shame about it in our inner being.

The burden of forgiveness is off us as offenders and now on the one who was offended. If the relationship is no longer, we may never know whether someone actually forgives us, but Jesus knows. We can even ask for this repair to be done by Jesus with those who have passed on. He can convey that message to comfort our hearts, though it may be, being in the spirit, they already know we are truly sorry!

“We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to control his whole body.” James 3:2 BSB

It is God’s business to purge within us the fault in our words, as we look to become like Jesus. Even when we are actually right in the matter under contention, right in principle, we ask forgiveness for wrong attitudes, harsh and judgmental words, impatience, and a host of other soulish factors that bring wounds and offense. The key here is to prioritize the relationship with God and the other person over being right.

Many relationships become irreparable because one or both people in the conflict continue to insist their position is right. When someone has to be right, s/he has lost sight of the higher purpose of relationship repair or conflict resolution that true love and commitment require. We cannot control another’s heart nor take God’s place in changing a heart that has been hardened toward us. We leave that to God and move on.

What about when we’ve been hurt or offended by another and we are the offended one struggling to forgive? It surely helps if we have witnessed an excellent example in someone who shows the ability to ask for and receive forgiveness. But some need to learn from the Lord what they were not shown or taught by others. Children can feel very helpless when they have upset a parent or caregiver, yet are denied any way to make amends.

It’s a burden in their hearts, particularly when love is withheld because of it or punishment for wrongdoing continues. Some Christians have this challenge with Father God. God surely holds us accountable for our part in the cycles of conflict so common in intimate relationships, as well as our extended Christian family. But He does not hold grudges, nor does He ever, ever withdraw His love from us.

Father God is just in holding us accountable, and merciful in His dealings.

“Who, then, can separate us from the love of Christ? Can trouble do it, or hardship or persecution or hunger or poverty or danger or death? As the scripture says, ‘For your sake we are in danger of death at all times; we are treated like sheep that are going to be slaughtered.’No, in all these things we have complete victory through him who loved us!

For I am certain that nothing can separate us from His love: neither death nor life, neither angels nor other heavenly rulers or powers, neither the present nor the future, neither the world above nor the world below—there is nothing in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:35-39 GNT

We are always loved regardless. He is not a punishing God. He is correcting us as the best Father there is! He corrects with His mercy and grace for our good. Blame is a very human, but wasted, man-made emotion. God is not a blamer. Blame involves condemnation and judgment of the person, a pointing of the finger, and the strong, condemning message that “You are bad,” as a person.

This is distinct from responsibility, which is holding accountable the wrongdoer: “What you did is bad.” That can be addressed, changed, but if you are a bad person, what more can be expected but more of the badness that the other is judging? Blaming is useless in creating change. After all, when you have decided who is to blame, what does it get you? You still have to deal with the situation.

Blamers back themselves into a helpless position with no power to change the situation, let alone the blamer. The motive of the heart in a blamer may be a desire to feel superior, better than the other, who is the bad one. It’s a way of escape to project total responsibility for error and wrongdoing onto another. It is immaturity when we are not able to accept responsibility for our behavior, regardless of what the other has said or done.

This is in sharp contrast to the mature believer’s acceptance of one’s own responsibility while leaving others to be accountable for their own behavior. Pointing the finger comes so easily to us humans, but Isaiah addressed this heart condition in His rebuke of outward reasons for looking religious when fasting. When you do things God’s way:

“Then you will call, and Yahweh will answer, you will implore, and He will say, "Behold Me!You should take away from your midst the slider bar, and the pointing of the finger and speaking lawlessness…” Isaiah 58:9 CLV

The slider bar is a metaphor for setting a value on something. It’s a movable measurement tool that, used here, would move or set the bar differently for another. Jesus Christ is the only true measure for believers. We alone are responsible for what we do. God corrects the heart. Yes, human relationships are interactions in which it’s challenging, if not time-wasting, to figure out who started it!

Yet it is so easy to think the other person did. We learn in childhood to insist it is the other one who fueled the flames, and sometimes that is true. But we are still responsible for our reactions to others’ behavior. This is a hard spiritual lesson most of us are still learning from the Lord. In our haste to get out of it, we react instead of respond in the way the Lord Jesus Christ would.

This process of correction takes time, waiting on the spirit to respond in a godly way. Ultimately, we have no control over another’s behavior or choices, only our reactions to them. We may influence them one way or another, but we cannot make others change, though we try. We may get outward compliance using anger or threats, but it does not change the heart. This human blame game shows up early in the Bible:

“But the Lord God called out to the man, ‘Where are you?’ ‘I heard Your voice in the garden,’ he replied, ‘and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.’ ‘Who told you that you were naked?’ asked the Lord God. ‘Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?’

And the man answered, ‘The woman whom You gave me, she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Genesis 3:9-12 BSB

And here we have it. Our forefather, Adam, blames His wife and even, indirectly, God. Do you hear the accusation in “That woman You gave me…”? Other human Christian husbands have likely uttered these same words to the Lord, if not harbored them in their hearts. Eve was deceived, but Adam was not. Adam ate of the fruit because he loved Eve more than the commandment of God.

Adam chose Eve over obedience, cementing the pattern of sin and death we humans have endured in relationships ever since that act. And when Father God called to them about it, He called Adam first. Adam had been given responsibility for all that was in the garden, so he was responsible for what happened. Yet these scriptures have been used against women by Christians who still blame Eve for the fall into sin that began in the Garden of Eden.

Well, not me! I was angry at both Adam and Eve! After all, they got us into this mess of humanity. Look at all the death and torment that has followed their decisions! I did not know then that each of us have the same rebellion, the same inability to surrender in obedience. God wasn’t caught unprepared for this. Not for a moment was He wringing His hands and wondering what He needed to do now. He created us this way:

“For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of Him who hath subjected the same in hope…” Romans 8:20 KJV

God knew all along that Adam was not His finished work. He had a plan from the foundation of the world to supply a Savior in Jesus Christ to meet the need. But what a disappointment to learn that God’s focus is on us, not the other person, regardless of who started it or who we’d like to blame. He deals with our actions and reactions, the attitudes and intents of our hearts. He sees it all. It’s up to God who He deals with first and when.

Indeed, it is not what happens to us, but how we react to it that causes stress and disturbance. But doesn’t it feel so much more pleasant, comfortable, and easy to blame than to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions before God and man? We can learn how to respond in ways that please the Father while dying to our fleshly ways.

This does not mean that He withholds whispers of compassionate love when we are unfairly blamed or, alternately, struggling to forgive others. Our Lord provides comfort when life is unfair, and we are deeply wounded because of it. He knows because it happened to Him. However, even when we are convinced that we are blameless, God shines the light of His Holy Spirit into our hearts to be accountable.

“Let us search and try our ways, and turn again to the Lord. Let us lift up our heart with our hands unto God in the heavens.” Lamentations 3:40-41 KJV

Father God consistently whispers in our hearts to direct us to first examine our own hearts to understand what part of any issue might be something He would change within us. After all, this the only aspect of any conflict that we can control. We may choose to do that immediately or decide instead to waste time in self-pity and anger, accusing the other, building resentment or bitterness, and even seeking the sympathy of others for our struggles. But when we have a heart for God, we want to be like Him, to respond in His way. And here it is:

“The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in loving devotion.” Psalm 103:8 BSB

Compassion. Graciousness. Slow to react angrily while abounding in loving devotion. Of course, the support of wise and comforting friends is helpful, but we do not benefit from a chorus of “Poor you, how could they...” We are quite able to wrap the cloak of self-pity around us without assistance from others. Humans can always justify our own actions in our own minds, even if we’re not verbalizing them to anyone else.

“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the hearts.” Proverbs 21:2 KJV

The Lord will share what He sees in our hearts, that which is weighed and found lacking in His compassion and mercy. To complete the process of forgiveness as God directs, we must move past the blame game at which immature children, even those in adult bodies, are experts. Under God’s parentage, we are enabled to grow up, to mature sufficiently to let go of the issue with the other person.

The process of forgiveness is revealed as effectively working when we stop bringing it up to the offender. We also need to stop complaining about it to others. Finally and perhaps most difficult, we are no longer internally rehearsing it. When we indulge in such internal rehearsals, we are creating a negative, blaming rut of woundedness, even of bitterness, in our minds that becomes more and more entrenched and difficult to dislodge.

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Hebrews 12:14-15 NIV

Though it is not a requirement of the process of forgiveness, sometimes God grants understanding of the other person’s wounded and damaged heart. This increases our compassion and guides us in prayer for them. Many wounded people wound others when there has not been healing within them. God brings healing, teaching us God’s priority in each situation. Father God redeems mankind in, not necessarily out of, every circumstance.

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted; He saves the contrite in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him from them all.” Psalm 34:19 BSB

Look at the Old Testament, and you will see that God took His people through adversity and rarely out of it. He is a master strategist in how to get us out. It is our training ground in trusting Him above all, through all circumstances and events. This involves waiting upon the Lord for His directions rather than words said in haste.

“Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.” Ecclesiastes 5:2 NIV

Everything we say and do is before God, not just words said to others. This need not be a threat but a promise that Father God knows us inside and out and still loves us. He sees what we cannot see and is able to reveal and heal what does not meet His standard. Those of us who are quick with words benefit from recalling this scripture and asking the Lord to write it upon our hearts.

When we have done no wrong, but are unjustly accused, we have the privilege of sharing in the suffering of Christ. The great Apostle Paul invites us to do so as part of overcoming all flesh. Our High Priest, the Lord Jesus Christ, surely knows about being unjustly accused. It is a part of this life for all.

“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it.” NASB

The Amplified Bible states it even more beautifully:

"‘No temptation [regardless of its source] has overtaken or enticed you that is not common to human experience [nor is any temptation unusual or beyond human resistance]; but God is faithful [to His word—He is compassionate and trustworthy], and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability [to resist],

but along with the temptation He [has in the past and is now and] will [always] provide the way out as well, so that you will be able to endure it [without yielding, and will overcome temptation with joy].” 1 Corinthians 10:13 AMP

Yes, God always provides a way of escape, often not out of the circumstance but always through them by His spirit. And unforgiveness is a temptation! Such spiritual battles in our hearts we are to conquer, to overcome through Christ, Who suffered it all. We all have many opportunities in this life to exercise our spiritual forgiveness muscles. Thus, teaching our children about the process of forgiveness is one of the most valuable lessons we can share.

The cost to a person who cannot or refuses to forgive is considerable, both to those around them and to themselves. When we hold on to unforgiveness, we pay a price in our mental and physical health for such resentments. We may think we are protecting ourselves from further harm by our own efforts, but it’s easy to see we are creating more harm within our own spirit, soul, and body. There are troubles in this life, and none of us, God being no respecter of persons, are exempt from it. We are guaranteed to need to learn to forgive, ideally as we have been forgiven by God. We need to understand that God absolutely expects this of us.

Some resist forgiveness because they erroneously believe it is somehow condoning what the other did, that forgiving the other for what happened is saying it is acceptable. Think about that, and you see the error of human reasoning in this. Forgiveness is only necessary when there has been an offense committed. Nothing can make it okay after this happens, because it was wrong, at the very least in the eyes of the offended.

It makes no sense to forgive something that was not an offense. This misconception often stems from trying to control our interactions to protect ourselves from further hurt or to pay back the offender with an equally painful attack. We know Christians who refuse to forgive as a way to punish the other, using silence, anger, withdrawal, or reminders of the offense, including withholding love and favor. Believing somehow the other person is being punished by our ongoing resentment, bitterness, or vengeful punishing thoughts and behaviors is a deception!

We pay the price for bearing this about in our souls and in our bodies. Bitterness shows up in the body in many ways, costing not only peace of mind but physical health. A clean heart is needed for health in mind and body, and God is the expert at cleaning our hearts. God says it’s His business, not ours, to handle offenses, including any vengeance that might be applied. This displays trust in God and His goodness toward all.

“Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and turn away from evil. This will bring healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.” Proverbs 3:7-8 BS

We are wise to recall that His vengeance is quite different from ours. He is a loving God, not a vengeful, angry, punishing Father. True surrender to the Lord involves trusting Him to deal with others and the problematic behaviors they exhibit that cause our wounds. In this life, we are going to have wounds; in fact, His wounds heal us.

“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5 NKJV

If you want to talk about what happened to someone who understands being unfairly punished, talk to Jesus Christ. Our Lord lived such a life, and He allows many of us to join Him in unearned suffering. He works within us to uncover wrong attitudes and beliefs in our hearts, including wanting to be right, justified in the eyes of others, or just feeling good about staying angry. As ridiculous as that sounds, there is pleasure in staying good and angry for a while.

The Lord knows when we are enjoying staying angry, remaining unwilling to submit our will to Him about the requirement to forgive. Humans excel at self-justification! But such attitudes and motives of our human hearts are not His directive to us, not the character of Jesus developing within us, as we see in many scriptural passages:

“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” Ephesians 4:26–27 BSB

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20 BSB

“A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” Proverbs 29:11 BSB

“Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.” Ecclesiastes 7:9 BSB

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1 BSB

Many, many suffering people experience conflict, loss of hope, loneliness, and depression when in a relationship with someone harsh and unforgiving. Some believers set unrelenting standards for the behavior of others, often without applying it to themselves. If your standards for others are not evident in your own life, just have a teen or young person reveal it as hypocrisy! Young people are quick to spot this in others and make it known.

This is the very accusation Jesus made to the religious leaders of His day, those scribes and Pharisees who taught the law but did not do it. They were most knowledgeable of the law and loved to publicly announce its requirements to others. They put heavy burdens on their followers while not fulfilling the requirements of the law of which they often spoke, nor could they.

“Woe to you experts in the law! For you have taken away the key to knowledge. You yourselves have not entered, and you have hindered those who were entering.” Luke 11:52 BSB

The need of more forgiveness in Christian hearts is evident. There are far too many Christians who are miserably hanging on to and even rehearsing the wrongs that have been done to them. They repeatedly feed their sense of offense with constant focus, gathering further evidence of the injustice of what happened, allowing it to grow deep roots within their hearts.

A root of bitterness begins to grow with unresolved anger or hurt, distorting one’s perspective. It is poisonous and contagious. Bitterness is a poison that is easily shared when we are around someone bitter. It is so very easy to catch. Have you ever been with someone who is bitter, and afterwards, you feel sick? It is that poisonous atmosphere, that bitter, negative, hurt spirit you picked up from them as they unwittingly defile many.

This person spreads their problems, seldom having any positive impact on change, while reinforcing their own misery. Seeking pity is not empowering and never leads to freedom. Empathy connects with the feelings of others but pity goes further in creating helplessness: “You poor thing.” Does this attitude ever result in change for the poor thing who is receiving it? It may sound good, but it robs the receiver of both ability and responsibility to respond. What can one expect from the victim in such circumstances?

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. An old quote, attributed to many sources, states this truth: “Bitterness is like drinking a vial of poison and expecting it to harm the other person. You're not hurting them, only yourself.” Telling your story over and over of how you were harmed, dwelling on such thoughts over time, works a poison in others and more so in the spirit, soul, and body of the unforgiving one. Anyone you hate traps you in the prison of your own anger, while they may be going on freely in their lives.

Forgiveness is thus not a one time decision but a process worked out in the soul, written in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. The evidence of forgiveness doing its work is a visible change in the forgiver. What comes out of the heart of the wronged person changes! When you have truly forgiven another, you do not bring it up to them, you don’t bring it up to others, and, most importantly, you don’t bring it up to yourself. And there is no longer any visceral reaction in our bodies. The past is truly forgotten.

This can take some time! We may have to repeatedly bring the situation back to the Lord until this process is complete. Some say they have forgiven, but the evidence of unforgiveness remains in the emotions they physically hold within. With completed forgiveness, even the body remains peaceful because the heart is truly cleared of it. There is no longer a clenching of the stomach, distress in the heart, nor any reaction to recalling what was done in the past.

Then we can truly caste it all into the sea of forgetfulness. Quite the challenge, but God is able to work it out over time within His own who trust Him. As Paul states in Philippians:

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-1515 NIV

The prize is the fullness of Christ, who bears no unforgiveness to anyone in the world. He said so. People may joke about forgiving but not forgetting, but this is not humorous to God. True surrender to the Lord involves trusting Him to deal with others and the problematic behaviors they do that cause wounds in our lives.

We can move on from these times of hurt and pain when they are fully surrendered to our Lord. Our first opportunity is to forgive our parents and caregivers for what happened when we were young. This is a mark of maturity. Some parents are able to humble themselves, to ask for forgiveness when they offend the precious children God has loaned to them. Others remain pridefully unable to do so.

We know that some childhood wounds are deeply grievous, severely damaging the lives of those so treated. Father God knows all about it and can work forgiveness in all circumstances. For every heinous action committed against a child, there is a saint who has overcome this through the Lord Jesus Christ. Nothing is impossible for Him. With a clean heart, God may direct reconciliation. He may also direct distancing or a cutoff to protect the wronged one, setting boundaries in such relationships.

These are consequences that God allows even for the forgiven. Trust that no more harm will come may not be restored unless there is true repentance by the other, followed by learning to and demonstrating a behavior change. God is after each of us to walk wisely in these situations, neither holding hurt and anger nor restoring the person in relationship without wise consideration. Reconciliation with others is not a requirement of forgiveness unless God so directs.

Some cannot be trusted to change their nature so that no more harm to others occurs. God knows. Here on earth, we are going to have wounds. Jesus said so. These wounds will heal as they are yielded to Him because Jesus’ suffering was for our healing. How do we learn to have God’s forgiving nature of love if we never encounter pain from another? Could anyone have been more unjustly wounded than our Lord Jesus Christ? He asked the Father to forgive His enemies amidst excruciating suffering when He hung on the cross.

Jesus knew that they meant it for evil, but God had a plan for good that required exactly what transpired. The persecutors of Jesus surely were not asking Him to forgive them. In fact, they were rejoicing that this Man was no longer a threat to their established religious leadership and traditions. Jesus Christ is our model. There is not one thing we can experience that He has not already gone through.

Consider all He suffered even in His closest relationships. One of His own, Judas, betrayed Him. Many left Him in the latter days of His ministry. He went from being the most popular minister of His time to being hated and reviled. All of Jesus’ disciples, His best friends, abandoned Him when He was arrested. We know He absolutely did nothing to deserve this, but because of it, Jesus Christ made the way for us.

Jesus Christ promises to show us specifically what, how, when, and with whom to do what is necessary in carrying out His forgiveness, even for the unlovable.

“For we have not a high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Hebrews 4:15-16 BSB

Jesus knows. He gets it! When someone we love wounds us in an unexpected way that violates our foundation of agreement, our written or unwritten contract with them, our trust is damaged. When trust is broken, the wrongdoer can’t just demand that the wounded party forgive them. Some will accuse the offended one of unforgiveness when it is trust that takes time to be restored.

When trust has been violated, it has to be earned back, not given upon demand. Love makes no demands. Trust is earned and restored in a relationship as we get to know one another’s hearts to begin again to rest in their good intentions, despite errors and mistakes. Therefore, trust demanded by the erring partner as proof of the other’s forgiveness is a misunderstanding of the healing process required in any relationship rupture.

When the push for forgiveness comes from the human heart rather than the holy spirit, it minimizes the wounds of the offended one. Restoration of trust often takes more time than the offender wants to allow. Offenders sometimes want their guilt and shame to be wiped out by evidence that the other person is rapidly getting over it. But needing time and proof in order to restore trust is not unforgiveness, rather the natural consequence of untrustworthy behavior.

God surely can distinguish the heart condition of those who are sincere from those who are saying they need more time to restore the offender into their good graces as an excuse. God always looks at the motives of the heart in all situations. When an offender sincerely desires to earn back trust, words and behavior must match. For example, if a teenager has lied about his or her whereabouts and parents learn of it, they may forgive him or her, but trust is damaged.

It is most reasonable, not a sign of unforgiveness, to expect the young person to be more transparent about their whereabouts for a time. The young person learns that trust has been broken and must be earned back, demonstrated by a change in their behavior. Another example is when someone in a committed relationship has an affair, emotional or physical, with another person. The guilty party asks for forgiveness but also needs to anticipate that their partner will need time to check that their actions match their words.

It does take time for the wounds of betrayal to heal and for trust to be restored. Relationships are repairable after such violations, but they rarely occur immediately. There is no guarantee that the partners will reach reconciliation at the same time; in fact, it is uncommon. We tend to leapfrog, not taking turns per se, but changing at a differing pace as we, reestablish heart restoration.

It is unrealistic, unfair, and even selfish for the offender to accuse their partner of unforgiveness by needing a reasonable period to see change in order to re-establish trustworthiness. Consequences are different from forgiveness, of which there is more to say in another post. None of us is perfect, but Jesus told us to be perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect. We are being perfected on this earth through the things we suffer.

When our hearts are purified, we bring no offense with our words or behaviors. Our Lord is a Master of forgiveness, and He is most able to write this on our hearts in every situation when we are willing. God’s way of forgiveness is the only path to being free in our spirit, soul, and body from the many common to severe offenses that are part of this life. He who is within us is able!