Forgiveness
“Justice and judgment are the habitation of thy throne: mercy and truth shall go before thy face.” Psalms 89:14 NKJV
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith. These you ought to have done, without leaving the others undone.” Matthew 23:23 NKJV
So much in life necessitates the ability to forgive and move on. If you desire peace in your heart, it is essential that you keep your heart free of hurt and resentment, anger and bitterness. And yet, it can be so very difficult. Adding to the challenge of forgiveness is all the misunderstanding of what forgiveness is. It is much more than merely saying “I’m sorry.”
God will teach us about forgiving, if we are willing, as we learn to walk intimately with Him. God is our example and His compassion never fails. His judgments are always right, providing perfect justice and perfect mercy. He is the Perfect Father. We may know earthly fathers who fell short of our perfect Father, but if you were blessed with a godly, wise and merciful earthly father, you may more easily connect and trust your Heavenly Father.
Others without a strong earthly example need to learn more of Father God’s nature of love and mercy. Those who suffer because of their imperfect earthly fathers – whom they can see –are more greatly challenged in trusting an unseen heavenly Father. Our God is more than able to bring wholeness to our hearts where there is parental lack, in any way He chooses. God is the healer of hearts, the only One able to make everything right within.
Wounds created by all of us imperfect parents and others in authority over us are brought to the Father for healing, for release from the past. All can be forgiven in Him: wounds from siblings, spouses, friends, teachers, neighbors, and many others who have significance in our lives, particularly in a child’s life. Those of us with siblings might recall the bitterness of being punished and held accountable for a sibling’s behavior and choices. Some of us were unjustly accused of wrongdoing or held accountable for a younger sibling’s behavior because we are “older” or “know better.”
Others are unfairly treated with mistrust because another sibling did things that created such attitudes in our caregivers. How it can burn to be unfairly judged, mistreated or restricted because of another’s choices! There are many long-held divisions and conflicts in families because of past unfair and unjust treatment in the eyes of those at the time. Family divisions may go on for years and years, until the present generation has no idea why part of their family never associates with another part.
These situations involve our inability not only to forgive but to forget what others have done to us or those we love. But our God forgives and forgets. He said so:
“I, I alone, am the one who wipes out your wrongdoings for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins.” Isaiah 43:25 NASB
Many other scriptures reference this forgetfulness God applies toward our past sins and failures. He never brings the past up to us, throwing our mistakes and shortcomings repeatedly at us, recalling or reminding us of our failure and shame. It’s our own hearts that condemn us or others, with thoughts in our mind, fed by the devil, that enemy of our souls:
“For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.” 1 John 3:20-21 KJV
Aren’t you glad? Forgiveness is a subject about which we Christians should excel, given the basis of our faith is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ for the express purpose of forgiveness. Instead, there is found resistance, denial, confusion, rationalization, and lack of application of God’s principles of forgiveness throughout Christian communities. Forgiveness is talked about but the fruit of unforgiveness remains visible in and around many of God’s own.
Many Christians reveal by words and behavior that their type of forgiveness is misunderstood, misapplied, not present nor practiced in their lives, leaving multitudes in turmoil within and without. It is not mere words. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time decision. It requires deciding to forgive, of course, but that decision does not necessarily change the heart. The critical first step is submitting our will to God’s standard, agreeing to forgive in obedience to God’s directive.
We should know that God commands forgiveness but what brings forgiveness about in our stubborn hearts? And what would God have us do when we are the ones needing forgiveness? Where do we start when this is God’s standard but it does not come easy nor yet written upon our hearts so we may obey it? And what about when we, along with multitudes through the centuries, are asked to forgive the unforgivable?
We marvel at the accounts of saints who have done just that, modeling themselves after Jesus Christ forgiving His enemies from His cross of death. Most were martyred for the cause of Christ, resisting the imposition of church laws and traditions that miss the founding fathers’ message faith only as the way. Our enemies, like those who crucified our Lord, know not what they are doing, but Jesus knows. His enemies were fulfilling scripture, completing the work of God. Jesus’ enemies thought to do evil and harm, but instead, they accomplished for God the greatest change in human history!
Judas must have had some reason for betraying the Master he had long followed and obeyed, even being used to deliver others in Jesus’ name. Judas was no novice, yet something evil began working in his heart to do as he did. In Romans we are told:
“Love is not working evil to an associate. The complement, then, of law, is love.” Romans 13:10 Concordant Literal
Forgiveness is truly a gift from our faithful and loving Father God! There is really no substitute for God in situations requiring forgiveness to heal. We cannot successfully make ourselves forgive nor can we make another forgive us by merely asking for it. There is no human formula to clean the heart of anger and bitterness, resentment and vengeful thoughts. God will not try us beyond what we can bear but there are multiple circumstances that are unforgivable to the human heart. He has to make a way—and He does.
We may arrive at some type of acceptance of what happened, but only God takes the burden of anger, hurt, and devastation from the heart. Determining in our hearts to obey God’s teachings about forgiveness is the essential first step. This is the beginning of wisdom, knowing that we need to align our will with God’s word. Then we wait upon the Lord to work forgiveness in our souls so that our mind (thoughts), will (determination), and emotions (contrary to God’s loving mercy) aligns with God’s will. He is then writing His forgiveness on our hearts.
Children do need to be taught about forgiveness. Perhaps you were taught – or forced – to say “I’m sorry” by parents or caregivers. Many a child has been directed to sit knee to knee with their sibling until both are truly sorry—at least about having to sit there looking at each other! As a child grows, however, they must learn how the Lord works to truly make their words sincerely and deeply felt in the heart.
This is easy for some tenderhearted little ones, but others are made of strong, stubborn stuff and need more support and guidance in this process. Yet others can no longer respond to the words “I’m sorry,” They have been used casually, sarcastically, in superiority and any other of the myriad of emotions the human heart may be expressed through those words. They may have been too casually used, becoming meaningless or even a mockery.
For many, saying a casual “sorry” just does not resonate and the Lord of our lives requires more than that. We are all need more than hollow words coming from an insincere heart. If the words are said because the other will be angry or punish us if we do not say them, it is doubtful that “I’m sorry” is given or received in any depth.
As Christians, we are called to forgive without restriction, including whether the other person is truly sorry or not. God never told us to forgive only when the other one is truly sorry. Their heart is their responsibility to God, not ours. When we are the offenders, it’s much more powerful to do our part in making amends by saying, “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”
Children as well as adults can learn to humble themselves to ask for forgiveness and do what they can, if possible, to make amends. This teaches the offender to take responsibility for their behavior, foundational for any good relationship. We can do this regardless of whether we intended to offend or not. These steps are necessary for sustaining healthy relationships, within families especially, and this is one of the building blocks.
Asking for forgiveness leaves the repair and reconciliation to the other, the heart of the offended one. You can visualize yourself as the offender saying sorry and asking for forgiveness metaphorically extending your hand to the offended one. Then it is up the the person who got offended to “extend the hand back” by granting a heart change of forgiveness as requested. Often the offended one finds a release in just acknowledging that they are willing to forgive.
When we offend someone and offer amends like this, we are able to have peace. We have done what God requires and are free of further distress or shame about it. The burden of forgiveness is off us as offenders, and now on the one who was offended. If the relationship is no longer, we may never know whether someone actually forgives us, but Jesus knows. We can even ask for this repair to be done by Jesus with those who have passed on. He can convey that message to comfort our hearts though it may be, being in the spirit, they already know we are truly sorry!
“We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to control his whole body.” James 3:2 Berean
It is God’s business within us to purge the fault in our words, as we look to become like Jesus. So, even when we are actually right in the matter under contention, we ask forgiveness for wrong attitudes, harsh and judgmental words, impatience and a host of other soulish factors that bring wounds and offense. The key here is to prioritize the relationship over being right.
Many relationships become unrepairable because one or both people in the conflict continue to insist on their position in the argument. When someone has to be right, s/he has lost sight of the higher purpose of relationship repair or conflict resolution that true love and commitment require.
What about when we’ve been hurt or offended by another and we are the offended one struggling to forgive? It surely helps if we have witnessed an excellent example in someone who shows the ability to ask for and receive forgiveness. But some need to learn from the Lord what they were not shown or taught by others. As a child many feel very helpless when they have upset a parent or caregiver, yet denied any way to make amends. It’s a burden in their hearts, particularly when love is withheld because of it or punishment for wrongdoing continues.
Some Christians have this challenge with God. God surely holds us accountable for our part in the cycles of conflict so common in intimate relationships. But He does not hold grudges, nor does He ever, ever withdraw His love from us. He is just in holding us accountable, but He is not a punishing God. He is rather correcting us as the best Father there is! He corrects with His mercy and grace for our gooe.
Blame is a very human, but wasted, man-made emotion but God is not a blamer. Blame involves condemnation and judgment of the person—“You are bad,” rather than holding accountable the wrongdoer by “What you did is bad.” Blaming is useless in creating change. After all, when you have decided who is to blame, what does it get you? You still have to deal with the situation, a helpless position without any power to change the blamed.
The motive of the heart in a blamer may be a desire to feel superior, better than the other who is the “bad” one or to project responsibility for error and wrongdoing unto another. This is in sharp contrast to the mature believer’s acceptance of one’s own responsibility while leaving others to be accountable for their own behavior. Pointing the finger comes so easily to us humans, but Isaiah addressed this heart condition in His rebuke of outward reasons for looking religious when fasting. When you do things God’s way:
“Then you will call, and Yahweh will answer, you will implore, and He will say, "Behold Me!You should take away from your midst the slider bar, and the pointing of the finger and speaking lawlessness…” Isaiah 58:9 Concordant Literal
We are responsible for what we do and God corrects the heart. Yes, human relationships are interactions in which it’s challenging, if not time-wasting, to figure out “who started it”! It is easy to think the other person did. We learn in childhood to insist it’s the other one who fueled the flames— and sometimes that is true. Ultimately, however, we have no control over another’s behavior or choices, only our reactions. We may influence them one way or another but we cannot make others change, though we may get outward compliance using anger or threats.
This human “blame game” shows up early in the Bible:
“But the Lord God called out to the man, ‘Where are you?’ ‘I heard Your voice in the garden,’ he replied, ‘and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.’ ‘Who told you that you were naked?’ asked the Lord God. ‘Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?’
And the man answered, ‘The woman whom You gave me, she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Genesis 3:9-12 Berean
And here we have it! Our forefather, Adam, blames His wife and even, indirectly, God. Do you hear the accusation in “That woman You gave me…”? Other human Christian husbands have likely uttered these same words to the Lord or harbored them in their hearts! Eve was deceived, but Adam was not. Adam ate of the fruit because he loved Eve more than the commandment of God. He chose Eve over obedience, setting the pattern of sin and death we humans have endured in relationships ever since that act.
Yet these scriptures have been used against women by Christians still blaming Eve for the downfall into sin that began in the Garden of Eden. Well, not me! I was angry at both Adam and Eve! After all, they got us into this mess of humanity. Look at all the death and torment that has followed their decisions! But God wasn’t caught unprepared for this. Not for a moment was He wringing His hands and wondering what He needed to do now. He created us this way:
“For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of Him who hath subjected the same in hope…” Romans 8:20 KJV
God knew all along that Adam was not His finished work. He had a plan from the foundation of the world to supply a Savior in Jesus Christ to meet the need. But what a bummer to learn that God’s focus is on us, not the other person, regardless of who started it or who we’d like to blame. He deals with our actions and reactions, the attitudes and intents of our hearts. He sees it all. It’s up to God whom He deals with first and when. Indeed, it is not what happens to us, but how we react to it that causes stress and disturbance. It is in the attitude of our hearts.
But it feels so much more pleasant, comfortable, and easy to blame than to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions before God! Father God teaches us how to respond in Him rather than react in our own fleshly ways. This does not mean that He withholds whispers of compassionate love when we are unfairly blamed. Our Lord provides comfort when life is unfair and we are deeply wounded because of it. However, even when we are convinced that we are blameless, God shines the light of His Holy Spirit into our hearts to be accountable for our reactions.
We must be taught to respond rather than react. His spirit consistently whispers in our hearts to direct us to first examine our own hearts to understand what part of any issue might be something He would change within us. After all, it’s the only aspect of any conflict that we can control. We may choose to do that immediately or decide instead to waste time in self-pity and anger, accusing the other, building resentment or bitterness, and even seeking the sympathy of others for our struggles.
Of course, the support of wise and comforting friends is helpful, but we do not need a chorus of “Poor you, how could they,..” We are quite able to wrap the cloak of self pity around us without assistance from others. We humans can always justify our own actions in our own minds, even if we’re not verbalizing it to anyone else.
“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, But the Lord weighs the hearts.” Proverbs 21:2 KJV
To complete the process of forgiveness as God directs, we must move past the “blame game” at which children are experts. Under God’s parentage, we are enabled to grow up, to mature sufficiently enough to let go of the issue with the other person. We need to stop complaining about it to others, or, perhaps the most difficult, no longer internally rehearse it within ourselves. If we indulge in such internal rehearsals, we are creating a negative, blaming “rut’” of woundedness, even bitterness, in our minds that becomes more and more entrenched and difficult to dislodge.
Though it is not a condition of our forgiveness, sometimes God even grants understanding of the other person’s wounded and damaged heart to increases our compassion and guide us in prayer for them. Many wounded people wound others. God brings healing, teaching us what God’s priority is in each situation: to redeem mankind in, not necessarily out of, every circumstance. Look at the Old Testament and you will see that God took His people through adversity and rarely out of it. And He is a master strategist in how to get us out!
When we have done no wrong, but are unjustly accused, we are sharing in the suffering of Christ, as we are bid to do by the great Apostle Paul. Even if no personal wrongdoing is revealed by the Lord, He is faithful and just to work a willingness and completion of the forgiveness process. Our High Priest, the Lord Jesus Christ, surely knows about being unjustly accused!
“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it.” NASB
The Amplified Bible states it even more beautifully:
"‘No temptation [regardless of its source] has overtaken or enticed you that is not common to human experience [nor is any temptation unusual or beyond human resistance]; but God is faithful [to His word—He is compassionate and trustworthy], and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability [to resist],
but along with the temptation He [has in the past and is now and] will [always] provide the way out as well, so that you will be able to endure it [without yielding, and will overcome temptation with joy].” 1 Corinthians 10:13 Amplified
Yes, God always provides a way of escape, often not out of the circumstance but always through them by His spirit. It is these spiritual battles in our hearts that we are to conquer, to overcome. We all have many opportunities in this life to exercise our spiritual forgiveness “muscles.” Teaching about the process of forgiveness is one of the most valuable lessons we can share with our children because the cost to a person who cannot or refuses to forgive is considerable.
When we hold on to unforgiveness, we pay a price in our mental and physical health for such resentments. We may think we are protecting ourselves from further harm by our own efforts but it’s easy to see that this does not work! There are troubles in this life and none of us, God being no respecter of persons, are exempt from it. We are guaranteed to need to learn to forgive, ideally as we have been forgiven by God. We need to understand that God absolutely expects this of us.
Some resist forgiveness because they erroneously believe it is somehow condoning what the other did, that forgiving the other for what happened is saying it is okay and acceptable. Think about it, however: it makes no sense to forgive something that you are saying was okay. Forgiveness only is necessary when there has been an offense done. Nothing can make it okay after this happens, because it was wrong, at the very least in the eyes of the offended.
This misconception often stems from trying to control our interactions to protect ourselves from further hurt rather than trusting all to God. We know Christians who refuse to forgive as a way to punish the other, using silence, anger, withdrawal or reminders of the offense, including withholding love and favor. Believing somehow the other person is being punished by our ongoing resentment, bitterness, or vengeful punishing thoughts and behaviors is a deception!
We pay the price for bearing this about in our souls and in our bodies. Bitterness shows up in the body in many ways, costing not only peace of mind but physical health. A clean heart is needed for health in mind and body and God is the expert at cleaning our hearts. God says it’s His business, not ours, to handle offenses, including any vengeance that might be applied.
Recall that His vengeance is quite different than ours is, as He is a loving God, not a vengeful, angry punishing Father. True surrender to the Lord involves trusting Him to deal with others and the problematic behaviors they do that cause our wounds. In this life, we are going to have wounds; in fact, those very wounds can heal us, just as they did for Jesus.
“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5 NKJV
If you want to talk about what happened with Someone who understands being unfairly punished, talk to Jesus Christ. Our Lord lived such a life, and He allows many of us to join Him in such unearned suffering. He works within us to uncover wrong attitudes and beliefs in our hearts, including wanting to be right, justified in the eyes of others, or just feeling good about staying angry! God knows when we are enjoying staying angry, remaining unwilling to submit our will to Him about the requirement to forgive.
Many, many suffering people experience conflict, loss of hope, loneliness, and depression when in a relationship with someone harsh and unforgiving, someone who sets unrelenting standards for the behavior of others without applying it to themselves, the very accusation Jesus made to the scribes and Pharisees of His day. There are far too many Christians who are miserably hanging on to and even rehearsing the wrongs that have been done to them. They repeatedly feed this seed of offense with continual focus, gathering further evidence of the injustice of what happened, allowing it to grow deep roots within their hearts.
This can only lead to a root of bitterness which defiles many:
“See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many become defiled…” Hebrews 12;15 NASB
Bitterness is a poison that is easily shared by being around someone bitter. It is so very easy to “catch.” Have you ever been with someone bitter and afterwards, you feel sick? It is that poisonous atmosphere, that bitter, hurt spirit you have picked up from them as they unwittingly defile many. This person spreads their problems while seldom having any positive impact on change and reinforcing reinforcing their own misery. Pity is not empowering!
The truth is, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. An old quote, attributed to many sources, states this truth: “Bitterness is like drinking a vial of poison and expecting it to harm the other person. You're not hurting them, only yourself.” Telling your story over and over of how you were harmed, dwelling on such thoughts over time, goes beyond not bringing it up to the wrongdoer. It not only works a poison in others, but in the spirit, soul, and body of the unforgiving one.
Forgiveness is thus not a one time decision but a process worked out in the soul, written in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. The evidence of forgiveness doing its work is a visible change in the forgiver. What comes out of the heart of the wronged person changes! When you have truly forgiven another, you do not bring it up to them, you don’t bring it up to others, and, most importantly, you don’t bring it up to yourself.
And there is no longer any visceral reaction. Others may say they have forgiven, but the evidence of unforgiveness is in the emotions they physically hold within. With completed forgiveness, the body remains peaceful because the heart is truly cleared of it. Quite the challenge, but God is able to work it out over time within His own who trust Him. As Paul states in Philippians:
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-1515 NIV
The prize is the fullness of Christ, who bears no unforgiveness to anyone in the world. He said so. People may joke about forgiving but not forgetting, but this is not humorous to God. True surrender to the Lord involves trusting Him to deal with others and the problematic behaviors they do that cause wounds in our lives. We can move on from these times of hurt and pain when they are fully surrendered to our Lord. Our first opportunity is to forgive our parents and caregivers for what happened when we were young.
Some parents are able to humble themselves, to ask for forgiveness when they offend the precious children God has loaned to them; others are unable to do so. Some childhood wounds are grievous, damaging the lives of those so victimized. Father God knows all about it and is able to work forgiveness in all circumstances. For every heinous action committed against a child, there is a saint who has overcome this through the Lord Jesus Christ. Nothing is impossible for Him.
With a clean heart, God may direct reconciliation. He may also direct distancing or a cutoff in protecting the wronged one, setting boundaries in some relationships. There are consequences even for the forgiven that God allows. Trust that no more harm will come may not be restored unless there is true repentance by the other followed by learning to behave differently. God is after each of us to walk wisely in these situations, neither holding hurt and anger nor restoring the person in relationship without wise consideration. Some cannot be trusted to change their nature so no more harm to others occurs. God knows.
Here on earth, we are going to have wounds. Jesus said so. These wounds will heal as they are yeilded to Him because Jesus’ suffering was for our healing. How do we learn to have God’s forgiving nature of love if we never encounter pain from another? Could anyone have been more unjustly wounded than our Lord Jesus Christ? He asked the Father to forgive His enemies amid excruciating suffering when He hung on the cross. Jesus knew that they meant it for evil, but God had a plan for good that required exactly what transpired.
The persecutors of Jesus surely were not asking Him to forgive them. In fact, they were rejoicing that this leader was no longer a threat to their established religious leadership and traditions. Jesus Christ is our model. There is not one thing we can experience that He has not already gone through. Consider all He suffered even in His closest relationships. One of His own, Judas, betrayed Him. Many left Him in the latter days of His ministry. He went from being the most popular minister of His time to being hated and reviled.
All of Jesus’ disciples, His best friends, abandoned Him when He was arrested. And we know He absolutely did nothing to deserve this but, because of it, Jesus Christ made the way for us. He promises to show us specifically what, how, when, and with whom to do what is necessary in carrying out His forgiveness, even for the unlovable.
“For we have not a high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Hebrews 4:15-16 Berean
Jesus knows. He gets it!
When someone we love wounds us in an unexpected way that violates our foundation of agreement, our written or unwritten contract with them, our trust is damaged. When trust is broken, the wrongdoer can’t just demand the wounded party forgive them, accusing them of unforgiveness when it is trust that takes time to be restored. When trust has been violated, it has to be earned back, not given upon demand.
Trust is given in a relationship as we get to know one another’s hearts and begin again to rest in their good intentions, despite the many errors and mistakes. Trust demanded by the erring partner as “proof” of the other’s forgiveness is a misunderstanding of the healing process required in any relationship rupture. When a push for forgiveness comes from the human heart rather than the holy spirit, it minimizes the wound of the offended one
Forgiveness may have been granted but the restoration of trust often takes more time than the offender wants to allow! Offenders sometimes want their guilt and shame to be wiped out by evidence that the other person is getting over it rapidly. But needing time and proof in order to restore trust to the other is not unforgiveness. It is the natural consequence of untrustworthy behavior. God surely can distinguish the heart condition of those who are sincere from ones who are saying they need more time to restore the offender into their good graces as an excuse for revenge in their hearts, a weapon to punish and control.
When an offender is earning back trust, words and behavior need to match. For example, if a teenager has lied about his or her whereabouts and parents learn of it, they may forgive him but trust is damaged. It is not a sign of unforgiveness but most reasonable to expect the young person to be more transparent about their whereabouts for a time. Another example is when someone in a committed relationship has an affair, emotional or physical, with another person. The guilty party asks for forgiveness but also needs to anticipate their partner will need time to check that their actions match their words, as the wounds from their betrayal heal.
Relationships are repairable after such violations, but rarely occur immediately. There is no guarantee that the partners reach reconciliation at the same time; in fact it is rare. We tend to leap frog, not even taking turns per see, into the changes in our hearts that bring restoration to the relationship. It is unrealistic, unfair, and even selfish for the offender to accuse their partner of unforgiveness by needing a reasonable period to prove and re-establish trustworthiness. That is a consequence of the betrayal under which the offender needs to bear up while waiting to display evidence over time of true repentance of wrongdoing revealed in actions and words.
None of us is perfect but Jesus told us to be perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect. We are being perfected on this earth through the things we suffer. When our hearts are purified, we bring no offense with our words:
“Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.” James 3:3 NLT
He who is within us is able!